my life!!!

Sam weds Darshana

2008-12-12T14:24:00.001-05:00

I still cannot believe that I am getting married. It's scary and exciting and I'm hoping for the best - just like with everything else... Thanks A G... I wish the best for you too... Loves :*

Year 2008...

2008-11-17T23:57:00.002-05:00

As I near the end of one of the most surprisingly eventful, and yet not so eventful year of my life... I can't help but contemplate my life so far... I am a little over a month away from turning 24. I am finally close to actually living the married life... and I must say, it doesn't scare me too much anymore...

So, this year just happened... There was never a point when I felt like I had to blog just because nothing was happening. It started well... good GPA, part-time job at school, nearing Graduation, Wedding date set to Sept. 6th, 2008... and the inevitable move to Washington DC. Instead, life happened, and threw completely off course... and that's putting it lightly...

Singing, which has always been something I needed - almost an identity, but always far behind everything else... suddenly became my life. It gave me amazing highs, and some really low lows.. and yet, it took me on the ride of a lifetime. I've always loved singing, but this was beyond any dream!

So, I've still not graduated, I'm not yet married and I'm definitely NOT moving to DC... and yet I've had an eventful year.... :) ... Call me crazy, but this has been one of the BEST and definitely one of the most memorable years of my life...

PS. I want to thank my SLPF for being with me through all of this, supporting me in my endeavour and leeting me know that you will always be there for me... I owe you too much. I can never repay you, but I hope I can make you as happy as you deserve to be...

PPS. Mama - You know I love you... and you know I owe all of this to you... And I'm glad that you'll always be a part of me... bullying me into doing stuff "for my own good"... :p

PPPS. Idiot... I know I owe you too. But that's all part of being family... You keep giving without expecting... I hope I have been the sister you needed...

PPPPS. Cute little chickpea... sikkiliboo.... evil weevil... I love you :* ... I'm going to miss you so much .... :'( .... Just know that I will always be there for you...with my silly stories (that you love so much)... cute baby songs... and all my kisses and hugs (that seem to irritate you so much.... Get used to it. This is just the beginning... )...

PPPPPS. Acha... Thank you for everything. I know I seem ungrateful. It's just because I'm not used to a father figure in my life. I can live my life knowing that you will take care of Mommy...I hope you know that I am grateful to have you in our lives...

Winter 2008

2008-02-08T10:48:00.000-05:00

This is weird weather, to say the least. It's unexpectedly warm one day, freezing the next, and snowing like crazy (for now)... I LOVE Michigan winters!

I know I've said this time and again, but thanks to the snow (which is a pain only because of the circular driveway), everything looks bright and beautiful again. The landscape looks like sugared candy and the dark skies seem to exude romance...

In spite of anything else I may say, my life's actually going pretty good right now, which worries me because "normal" is always a predecessor to not-so-good. But then again, not-so-good is almost always a predecessor to "great"... so I guess it's true that life is a circle... :p

Family...

2008-01-27T16:01:00.000-05:00

You're stuck with them for life... You love them, fight them, ignore them - I miss mine sooo much right now. I hate being alone. Mama, come back soon... :(...

I am

2007-10-29T23:54:00.000-04:00

Here I am... existing in this World - for a reason, I hope... Otherwise, it would be useless wouldn't it? What if my sole purpose in life is to just exist? What if I didn't have a deeper purpose than just that?

Life would be wonderfully easy and hopelessly uninspiring all at once....

Wake-up calls...

2007-10-29T23:50:00.000-04:00

I love them when they're earlier than you need them to be.

Science

2007-10-01T09:44:00.001-04:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071001/ap_on_fe_st/brazil_surrogate_grandmother

I so don't approve!... If you cannot have kids, maybe you're not supposed to. There are so many kids out there that would love more than they would love their own parents if you took them in. STOP being selfish!

Today

2007-09-30T23:36:00.001-04:00

Today just happened to be one of those days that just was... I did enough, yet I achieved nothing. I'm not in the mood to take the initiative, though I do feel like preparing and doing the interviewing part of this semester's projects.

It sucks, because I really need to be doing more of the boring stuff right now. This very moment, I am supposed to be studying, and not blogging... Help me God!...

Perspective

2007-09-06T15:44:00.000-04:00

If everybody's problems were actually as bad as they seemed to them, the World would be a very sad place. And so, I thank nature for perspective.

In my perspective, when I see somebody else whine about their tragic life, I realize how much luckier I am. I still whine, but I would like to think I am mostly grateful and happy, yet humble enough to admit I am mean. Though, in all honesty, there are very few instances in my life when I've hurt someone while meaning to. I would not be able to live with myself otherwise...

Lucky

2007-09-01T09:39:00.000-04:00

People complain way too much! Everyone has a good life in comparison with someone else's, then why is it that everybody looks at their own life and think they have the worst problems? I used to be one of these "normal" people, until I got a chance to peek at myself for a little bit...

I have been very lucky throughout my life. When I was 6 years old, I fell on my face and people (who cared about me) were devastated. It was crazy - they were discussing my need for drastic treatments and maybe even plastic surgery! The whole fuss was pointless because it really didn't matter to me. I was only a child, not a very good-looking one, and the fall just made me uglier, but I didn't care. At least, I don't think I did (but then again, I do have a short-term memory). The result of this terrible accident was that I didn't need braces when I grew up.

And then, in my early teens, I was fat. There was no other polite way to put it. I was one of the fattest kids I knew. Yet, I was still a kid (a good kid, I hope) - kinda stupid and obviously very childish. A couple years later, I grew tall (to my current height), and I filled out well. If I had remained a skinny kid, I fear to think what I would look like today... (shudder!)

The point of this is that no matter where you are in life right now, something good will come out of it. Trust this stupid kid who learnt everything the hard way :)

Humour...

2007-09-01T09:33:00.000-04:00

Throughout time, everyone has questioned themselves about what might be the most important quality in a friend, partner, family member, etc... And in spite of the large variety of answers ranging from patience to sensitivity and so on, I think the most important quality is a good, decent sense of humour.

A sense of humour says a lot about a person - their temperament, intelligence and their sensitivity to certain issues. In fact, having a good sense of humour is as important as having a soul. Now, this is not to say that people without a sense of humour are the devil's own. It's just that everybody has a sense of humour. They only need to tap into themselves to find it. For example, I have been lucky to grow up with a good-humoured mother, whose sense of humour is intact in spite of life.

Nobody is perfect

2007-09-01T09:32:00.001-04:00

And as long as we can accept that, we can live a better life - for ourselves atleast...

Selfish

2007-08-27T10:26:00.000-04:00

Now selfish is a terribly overlooked word. It's easy to say you should NOT be selfish, but it's primary human nature to be selfish.

As I thought more about this, I realized that what you shouldn't be is overly selfish, to the point where only you matter. For people who are like this, misery is everything. They love being miserable - almost in a perverse way, where they want to be miserable and everyone else must pity them.

And then it hit me - overly selfish people don't take responsibility for anything they do. They'd rather blame somebody else or other elements of their life. So well, I guess all I can do is feel sorry for them and hope that they are happy being miserable.

Weekend!

2007-08-20T12:37:00.000-04:00

The weekend started off on a great note with Olive Garden (great food!...some wine...:p) and a restful night of sleep. Some "cooking", some vegetable cutting started off a blissful Saturday....and then we left on the long trip to the concert.
I must say, for someone who didn't know much at all about Bela Fleck and the Flecktones, I was mightily impressed by what they had to offer and regretted not getting there in time :(... They played a couple of Sam's favorite tunes and I (heavily fed with carbs) was sleepy by the time they wrapped it up. Talk about perfect timing!
Then Sam drove us about ten miles north of Dayton (where Fraze Pavilion is), and we found a place to spend the night. After an uneventful, yet comfortable night, we woke up feeling quite refreshed (I was in a little pain), and then we headed back home. Stopped in the same little town for a heavy brunch, some pain medication for Sam and motion sickness stuff for me, filled the car and started back.
I slept for a little over an hour I think and Sam was tired. I woke up and since I don't like anyone else driving, I took over. The weather took a turn for the worse and it kept raining heavily till we got home. Had a little tiff on the way, but all's well that ends well, right? :p...

And that brings me to today. Right now, I feel terribly uninspired and lethargic... :(

My new slave

2007-08-16T09:50:00.000-04:00

He is the most adorable thing I've seen. And he comes in the cutest package ever! His heart looks like a little baby beating heavily on an African drum... (boom boom boom). His eyes are perfect - like little rosebuds about to bloom.

He's big considering where he lives right now - 5 pounds 5 ounces the doctor said. I simply CANNOT wait to train him! :p

Understanding

2007-08-16T09:43:00.000-04:00

Being understanding is a fickle quality. It is something that all of us are at some point in our lives. But, it's hard to be understanding ALL the time.

It would be so much easier if we all just understood this.

A******s!

2007-08-15T10:28:00.000-04:00

Why do men have to be such bastards sometimes? Is it an inherent trait or just something they can't help? They do everything wrong, and then have the balls to be completely confident and act like they did everything for our own good!

Not all of them are that way. There is always the exception to the rule. And I apologize for stereotyping, but almost all the men in my biological father's family are born bastards! In fact, there is only one person from that family that I like - a lot...

Downtown

2007-08-14T14:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, certain songs really do make you feel better. This has been one of them for me...

When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go -- Downtown!
When you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry seems to help I know -- Downtown!

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city,
Linger 'round the sidewalks where the neon lights are pretty,
How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there, you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares
And go DOWNTOWN.... Things will be great when you're
DOWNTOWN.... You'll find a place for sure
DOWNTOWN.... Everything's waiting for you...

No One

2007-08-14T14:09:00.000-04:00

I write for me and no one else :)

I love the nostalgia of looking back, and seeing that everything wasn't always dreary. I love knowing things about my past that didn't touch me then, as much as they do now. I love getting to know the kind of person I was, and thus am. I love remembering all this silly stuff that means nothing now, but means the world to me in the future... At the same time, I hate all of this.

And I hate me for not being able to accept who I am.

Patience

2007-08-13T12:18:00.000-04:00

..... is NOT a virtue, unless a virtue can be forced on you!

I do not consider myself patient or virtuous in any sense, but patience has been forced upon me by Nature... Does that make virtuous? I think not and hence, I rest my case... :D

Indeed it is...

2007-08-13T12:02:00.000-04:00

I'm always running into people that are complaining about how "God's" answer to everything they want seems to be "No". And after carefully considering each of their predicaments, I have realized that I have been immensely lucky in my short and insignificant life so far. Everytime, I consider a question about the future, I always find that the answer is a bold and resounding "YES".

Like when I really wanted that one job, I asked the Universe, "Can I really not have that job?". And you know what the answer was. It's always been that way and you know the rest.

I really am content though. I would have been more than just content if I had "that" job, but I'm not unhappy or anything. If I were more philospical, I'd probably be more satisfied knowing that I probably wasn't ready for that job as of yet or some other explanation of how this is actually better for me blah blah blah...

I hope I don't sound ungrateful, because I really am not. I'm just wistful sometimes - about what might have been. But I love my life and I love the predictability of the Universe's answers to all my questions... :)

Why?

2007-08-10T09:59:00.000-04:00

Now, time and again, all humans have questioned themselves - the reason for their existence, etc. If you go back and look in my archived posts, you'll see that I have, too many times to count really.

Well, the thing about this is that you never get bored with it. There are so many new perspectives to this one question, that it is amazing that we still bother to ask ourselves or anybody else... Yet, it is intriguing enough that it does keep one's mind occupied long enough to forget why we were asking ourselves this question in the first place. It may just be another safe escape from life or pain depending on how you look at it...

Forgive me if I make no sense, because I am only human.

Being Healthy...

2007-08-09T11:28:00.000-04:00

Being healthy should be a lifestyle - a way of life. Not a fad!

I don't understand how people expect to stick to "good habits" just because it's in. Good habits are developed over time. We need to keep training ourselves to stick to doing the right thing. It is more than easy to fall into a trap and getting into a bad habit. But with a good habit, it takes patience and perseverance.

Bein healthy could be either a conscious or unconscious decision, but getting there is comparable to scaling Mount Everest. But once you're there, the exhilaration of having reached your goal is incomparable.

My advice to any of you amateurs out there trying to lose weight or have more energy to do more or just feel good about yourself is to start slow and take your time and develop a whole new lifestyle. Make changes that stay...

Concepts...

2007-08-06T12:01:00.000-04:00

The whole entire thing boils down to one concept - Pain...

Pain is a wonderful thing. Without pain, there would be no comparison of what is normal and what is not. Pain is usually good. You learn from pain what nothing else could teach you.

And as much as I may complain and whine about pain, I don't know what I would do without it. Pain is now an integral part of my life. It tells me what to do and when. If I listen closely enough, pain - both emotional and physical, almost always points at what I should do next... If only I did...

2007-07-09T10:45:00.000-04:00

Words cannot even begin to describe how amazed I am by how forward yet backward the human race is... Books have been written almost 2000 years ago, and they hold the key. The key to everything. The key to living successfully and being content.

And here we are today, still miserable, still wondering why - all because we haven't figured out where to look. I guess it really is true that the past is the key to the present and the future...

2007-06-04T17:08:00.000-04:00

And then, even when everything seems so fake, it feels real. This is what I always wanted.... well, almost...

It's real, it's happening and it's happening now. That is all that matters... Could I be any luckier? Maybe. Do I want to be? Probably not...
Yes, life has been hard. Harder than it should have been? For sure... But I've come out a winner. I am the one that gained everything ...

Am I unhappy? Sometimes... But, the big picture is what matters, and right at this very moment, I am perfectly content with the way things are going.... well, I am only human, so I guess I'm not completely happy with EVERYTHING... But I am going to try and enjoy every moment I can.... :p

2007-05-25T18:04:00.000-04:00

And then, suddenly it dawns on me... I am actually in control...

Do I choose it or not, is the real question. Of course I want it... I want it bad... I cannot even begin to explain why I want it so much... But as long as I know I want it, I'm willing to work toward it. And it hasn't been a total waste. I've come a long way from what I used to be. Change is hard, but it will happen eventually. And you know what, it's absolutely necessary!

My ego

2007-04-09T12:29:00.000-04:00

And then, I am suddenly confused....yet again... She is nothing like me... or atleast I hope...

Spicy

2007-03-21T13:50:00.000-04:00

It's a relative term...

I wish my life were more like that...

People...

2007-03-20T17:55:00.000-04:00

All kinds of them...

Some of them too good to be true, making you feel like a nobody...

Some of them so ugly in their personalities that you feel entitled to proclaim yourself good...

Both lack conscience...

Both can be normal... but choose not to be...

What about the "you", one might point out... They are the best kind - neither here not there... wonderfully aware of both sides...

Who knows...

2007-03-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

I may be crazy, I may be irritating, I may be spoilt... I may even be a pain, but atleast I'm always me. Not fake around some people and myself at home, I'm always me. And I am not afraid to be who I am, because I mean well ... :)

... I guess what helped is I always knew that I didn't need everything and I wudn't get everything I wanted, and though I may have complained endlessly about my life at every chance, I love it for what it has made me, everything it has taught me and for always being perfect for me...

And yes, I am unpredictable to an extent, but that's who I am. I guess I can liken myself to Michigan weather - you wake up hoping to be able to wear this cute lil outfit you picked out the previous night and it's snowing heavily, so you need to get back to full pants with several layers of thermalwear and big ugly boots ... :D ... I love boots, but not if I have to wear them everyday... I think the problem is that I need more boots :p

Ah, I got side-tracked ... yet again :p ... but that's me and I'm done venting...

(for now...)

A new day...

2007-02-19T08:30:00.000-05:00

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believeI've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new son
A new day has come

A new day has come

2007-02-19T08:29:00.000-05:00

It's another day, another chance, a new beginning... but I can't help being tied down by past commitments and actions... :(

Assumptions...

2007-02-15T12:46:00.000-05:00

I jump to conclusions so quickly, it's got to be the worst trait I exhibit...

I think so much though that I cannot help but try and understand every aspect of what a person is saying. And obviously, not being the person who's talking, I almost always have a problem understanding where he/she is coming from.

I wish I could say that I'm not going to do that anymore....but I'd be lying... (not that I never lie)

I wish I could say that I'm going to try not to do it anymore....but I'd be lying again...

All I can do is say I'm sorry and mean it, and hope that he/she understands and accepts me for what I am...

2007-02-13T16:39:00.000-05:00

I feel small... and then I feel big...

I am crazy... I think...?

I feel dazed and focused at the same time... I feel like I'm in a movie ... I feel disconnected from everything around me... :)

It's a nice feeling... feels light... free...

Am I back?

2007-02-12T11:08:00.000-05:00

I can only wonder...

I feel more positive. I want to be there and have that... And I am actually trying to "create" a positive result!

YAY! I'm back!!! :D....

(I hope...)

2007-02-09T14:12:00.000-05:00

Ever felt vague...?

2007-02-08T17:32:00.000-05:00

It almost happened...

And now, everything feels empty again. There is this inner frustration building up...

Why??? Life should never tease anyone like this. It's ironic. But then, so is life I guess...

And yet, there is hope - trying to poke it's beautiful head out of all the crap I heaped on it...

The little heartbeat

2007-02-07T12:35:00.000-05:00

And another life ... will it be a miserable one? I don't know... I guess misery lies in the eyes of the beholder

It's only the size of a finger ... Sometimes I really forget to appreciate life for how beautiful it actually is. I hope the Universe can forgive my absent-minded ungratefulness ...

2007-02-07T12:34:00.000-05:00

And so I end up looking for loopholes again... The slightest chance that I may still get what I want.

Not everybody gets a second chance you know. I wish I were different, I wish I didn't give up so easily... :(

Optimism

2007-02-06T14:37:00.000-05:00

It felt really good...being there, among all those familiar faces that I plan to see more often. I know I'll get there someday.

Some of them recognized me (and they should)...I re-introduced myself and they remembered. I spoke at length about how I planned to get where I was meant to be....

Things look good right now....It's all in my hands though, and that's what scares me the most...

2007-02-06T14:35:00.000-05:00

I wanted this so badly....selfishly enough, I wanted it for me.

Nobody will ever understand. My desire may be weird, but it makes perfect sense to me and in a perfect world it would have come true. My wish would have been granted causing initial misery, but a happily ever after effect...

Well, I guess that's all it was- a fantasy...something that'll never happen. I'm destined to live a miserable long life knowing I will never have it...

Unwritten (Nastasha Bedingfield)

2007-02-05T07:49:00.000-05:00

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Am I weird?

2007-02-05T07:45:00.000-05:00

And I'm excited....not in a bad way

It's strange because most people react to this sort of situation with fear and anxiety and maybe even some sadness, but I'm completely ok. Have I been expecting this all my life, I wonder...

It's this close and I actually want it. I know how it'll hurt - not just me, but everyone that cares about me. But it's almost like I knew this is what was meant to happen... It is definitely more desirable than everything that has happened so far.

2007-02-02T09:48:00.000-05:00

And even when you think that you've just begun to understand why s*** happens, you don't realize how naive you are ...

8:15am

2007-02-01T08:16:00.001-05:00

Well I'm here and nobody else is... I am not sure if I just pick up the keys and open up all the doors.
Maybe I should just wait ...

2007-02-01T08:14:00.000-05:00

and it's ugly and feels gross and I don't know what to do about it ...

The helpdesk...

2007-02-01T06:43:00.000-05:00

My very first job (in a strictly professional career-oriented sense). And defintely quite an interesting one at that...

There are the people who call us with legitimate questions...

There are people who we call and create new problems for...

There are people who call us to ask what a USB port is...

And then there are the people that call us to plug their keyboard in!

I'm quite beginning to like this :D

6:05am

2007-02-01T06:42:00.000-05:00

And so I'm up...and everything seems pretty good.... Does this mean I'm back???

I sure hope so...

Nonsense...

2007-01-25T11:13:00.000-05:00

And so I wake up again....tired... And I wonder again...how old am I exactly? Am I supposed to be all worn-out and creaky like this???

I go to work and while doing my "job", I start having leg cramps and some more serious signs of fatigue... I hope I get over this soon, because I cannot imagine why people would choose to live if this is what they had to go through every single day!... And I'm nowhere near middle age even!!!

2007-01-24T05:57:00.000-05:00

It's a funny thing how when you always wanted something and finally got it, you can't actually enjoy it unless you stop wanting it...

A long break...

2007-01-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like life doesn't want you back?

I took a break, a long one...and now just when I feel ready to get back on track, life just doesn't seem to want me back....:(

2007-01-22T12:13:00.000-05:00

SICK of all the rest and fluids... SICK of all the quiet around whenever I mention a certain something... It can't be... I wish the docs wudn't make such a big deal out of it...

Life has got to get more interesting before threatening to disappear completely, right?

I miss you mama....:(....and no, nothing's happening to me...:D....

I love u :*

2007-01-22T12:12:00.000-05:00

so, it's the oddest thing, really....I want to post and it doesn't let me log in and this goes on unless I don't want to post anymore, but am curious to see if this still works....

and what do u know....

Color Test Results

2006-11-30T18:18:00.000-05:00

Darshana took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Needs to feel identified with someone or something..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

2 days to go...

2006-11-30T03:13:00.000-05:00

I'm excited and yet apprehensive, and wisely so...

Put Your Records On-Corinne Bailey Rae lyrics

2006-11-24T15:42:00.000-05:00

Artist: Corinne Bailey Rae
Album: Corinne Bailey Rae
Year: 2006
Title: Put Your Records On

Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

The Daily Horoscope

2006-11-21T15:43:00.000-05:00

Nothing seems to be going my way and yet, I have hope. Why? Because I am one of those people that will not leave home without checking what yahoo has to say about my horoscope for the day :D...
Thankfully, for the last few days, though I've been having a lousy time, my horoscope assures me I'm not. And so, I still have hope...

2006-11-20T08:56:00.000-05:00

I think...

2006-11-19T22:47:00.000-05:00

And once again, my heart fills with one of the most necessary and yet dreadfully misleading feelings of hope...
Maybe something will happen this time and maybe nothing will...

The glass is always half-full...

Self-Sabotage

2006-11-15T19:03:00.000-05:00

I will never figure it out...

I want it so bad and yet, I won't give my all even though everyone knows I'm more than capable...

I'm sure everyone does this...or atleast I hope they do because then it means I'm not a freak after all...:)

2006-11-13T10:16:00.000-05:00

I am willing to hope again ... are you???

The world today

2006-11-13T08:25:00.000-05:00

It takes nine months and a lot of work to make one of us, and it breaks my heart to know that so many of us could so easily blindfold, torture and kill another one of us. The survival instinct I understand, but why all this unnecessary violence.

Have we, over the years, become so insensitive to our own kind? Have we lost all self-respect? Is there even a shred of kindness left in the World today?

It truly will take a miracle to solve our self-created problems...

Not Knowing

2006-11-11T18:28:00.000-05:00

It's just that much more annoying...

especially since everything else depends on the unknown...It defines what I'll be for the rest of my life...well atleast short-term :p

Waiting...

2006-11-10T08:55:00.000-05:00

It's the part I hate most...

How much longer, I wonder... I guess this is training for the rest of my life?

When will all of this change?

2006-11-08T10:33:00.000-05:00

Right now I cannot even imagine a light at the end of the tunnel! Yet, I believe that someday it will show itself, tempting me closer and closer until I feel I'm ready to walk in the light...

And when that time comes, I am unsure of how I will feel. At this point, I would like to believe that I want to reach the end of this tunnel. But when I'm there I hope I feel the same way. I want to be prepared, I want to be ready and most of all, I want to want it...

2006-11-07T10:22:00.000-05:00

I know what needs to be done...and yet, I cannot bring myself to do it.

2006-11-06T08:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just sit back and think; this is my time alone, I own all of it and nobody can take it away from me...

As I'm thinking, I usually figure out what happens next-after all, it is "my" life...my own little movie and only I can tell and deal with whatever happens next...And so it goes...on for a while...wish it were forever, but I can deal with that too :)...

Am I good enough, I wonder... Will it ever come true? I hope so...

Sometimes I think too much...

Thought for the day...

2006-11-06T08:28:00.000-05:00

Does wishing death on an evil person make you any less evil?

2006-11-03T11:30:00.000-05:00

After all the whining and everything I sobered up enough to check my mail again...and sure enough, there it was...the confirmation...
I feel good now...I feel more confident...and strangely, I also feel sort of lazy...crazy, huh?

Stay tuned for more...:p

2006-11-03T08:12:00.000-05:00

It's what I've been wanting forever now (or that's what it seems like). And then when it finally came through, I found that I couldn't do it anymore.

Is it meant to be this way? Am I not allowed to do it? I still feel that it's perfect. It's just right for me...I need it so much. I know if I don't get it, I'll be devastated. I am trying not to let it bother me so much, but it's become a permanent part of my dreams-the good ones...

2006-11-01T11:55:00.000-05:00

How is it that when we look back, everything seems to have happened way too fast, but in the present nothing seems to be happening? Weird, huh?
I am only human and so I have a problem with not being in control... :(

Gibberish!

2006-10-31T14:47:00.000-05:00

well there is always this and that, but why?

and then like that isn't enough, here comes more...

do i? don't i? will i ever know? it must be one of those stupid things...:)

sigh...

2006-10-30T09:31:00.000-05:00

I have no creativity :(...

Anyways, today is one of those cold, but clear days. Why is it I love dark, gloomy days? I am glad I will be inside this building all day until 9pm :)...atleast I don't have to go out into the bright day!

2006-10-27T13:21:00.000-04:00

Some people think mind-numbing jobs are depressing. Not me. I'm not one of them, and I'm not the least bit ashamed to state that.
You see life can be really busy if you want it to be. Or, if you're like me, then you probably want it easy. And since my head is so full of "useless" stuff, I need the break - I need to do something that just about anyone can do...
I need to be doing something "physically", so my mind can be pre-occupied. And just the rush of having finished a whole pile of work makes me feel good! :D

2006-10-26T10:50:00.000-04:00

I hope he was able to take the test. I hope he eats. I hope he finishes his project before time and is happy with it...I hope he'll come back, sleep and feel much better on the whole...
I wish him the greatest day ever!

Love

2006-10-25T10:11:00.000-04:00

is a funny thing. How you look at people that you've never seen before. Or when you realize that you are in love with someone you thought you couldn't stand. I've realized that if you accept it, it's much easier to move on. Just because you see things differently then. You see that nothing can be done and even though it seems like you were meant to be, life has different plans for you...

He has someone else and so do you...so forget it, be thankful you met him and move on :)...It's quite easy really.

Besides, it's true that everything happens for a reason. The reason might seem non-existent at the time, but trust me when I say you are where you are because that's where you're supposed to be...

Do wishes really come true?

2006-10-24T06:06:00.000-04:00

"When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are,
Anything your heart desires will come...to...you..."

The tune that bugged and yet intrigued me throughout my "childhood"...

I loved it - in that the notes changed so drastically from one to the other...and yet the "little radio" that played it, kept doing it over and over again...

I must admit I probably played it many more times than necessary, but there was a time I found it soothing and even healing in a way...

I still hold onto to the belief that wishing on a star will bring you anything you want...there are always limits though :)

Ego or Id?

2006-10-24T05:59:00.000-04:00

It's funny how all my life I've been fighting it, but once I accepted it as an eventuality and finally changed, I actually like it...

This causes my ego serious problems though. I have been fighting it so long, that I want to keep fighting it and insist that it kills me to have to conform [:)]...

weird, huh? The point is, since I'm going to have to do it on a regular basis, might as well start getting used to it early on. It's not that bad, to be honest, but I wish I could have reached a better compromise without having to ignore (and hence hurt) my poor ego. After all, it's what I have kept all through my childhood and it's all I'm going to have as I grow up knowing that there are some things I could have handled differently, but insisting that everything turned out fine just so my ego won't suffer...

2006-10-23T11:29:00.000-04:00

If you are really intent on finding it, look around you...and I don't mean just look..."look", "feel", "hear"...everything that's happening around you....and you'll find it...
tune in to your life...stop being a bystander...there's no point not paying attention...

If you find this confusing, you're not ready :)...eventually you will be...

Why?

2006-10-23T08:16:00.000-04:00

Why are we the way we are? Who decides how we should be? Is there any other way to be? Or is this it?

Questions we've all pondered at some point of time. Yet we have no answers. And there are some of us that ponder them over and over again, every single day. Will we ever have answers? I don't know. Is that going to stop me from "pondering"?...No...probably not...

I think this can be explained by the fact that we humans are naturally drawn to investigate anything that hasn't been explained yet. And why not? We need something to do to convince ourselves that our existence actually means something. That we are worth more than other beings that just are...

Can we change this? Honestly, I don't know...and if we do, what else can we do to feel useful and important? Again, I don't know...

The future...

2006-10-20T08:11:00.000-04:00

What is the world coming to? Why does everyone have this insane desire for power??? The instinct to survive, I understand. Why need anything more than that?

They started it this time too. The mad killings, the bombings, the mass destruction. And the best part is they are so smart that they blamed the "victims" for everything they did. Are they really helping??? Can nobody else see this?

Maybe the "strategy" they shud use is to back off and not keep researching deadlier things than already exist. Then maybe the Rest of the World can rest knowing they are in no immediate danger...

As of now the situation looks very dreary. After years of having built all this distrust agaisn't themselves, nobody will trust them to do anything "nice"...I hope this doesn't mean I won't have children that I can torture to please me...:D

these things happen...

2006-10-16T08:53:00.000-04:00

Who could've guessed that what was intended as a truly unselfish gesture could actually harm someone he thought...

As he tried to help an old man cross the street, he tripped over a raised edge on the road and fell, pulling the poor old man with him. The old man ended up only breaking his wrist in what could have been a more serious accident, but he felt horrible about it.

For a year, he blamed himself and decided not to do anymore "nice" things for people and believe himself jinxed... And then it came - the letter from the old man thanking him for saving his life. Had he not been forced to go the hospital that day to get his wrist treated, he would not have lived past the hour.

At the hospital, while waiting to get his wrist bandaged, the man had a stroke - quite a severe one; one that would not have been reversible had he not already been in the emergency room. Thankfully, everyone reacted instantly and he had the necessary surgery that reversed the effects of the stroke.

When the young man found this out, he realized it had all been part of a bigger plan, indeed. His faith in a more supreme power was reinforced, and he went on with his usual life knowing that you could never hurt anyone truly, unless you actually mean to...As long as you have a pure heart, everything you do will turn out right...

Someday, when the entire human race believes this, we migt actually have a chance at what the Miss World Beauty Pagent has publicized so highly - "World Peace"...

Life...

2006-10-15T09:55:00.000-04:00

This will explain what my previous post meant :)...

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e-mail.
Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read.
After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was
sent to you.
Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When
you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any
wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will
say or do something to bring t he relationship to an end. Sometimes
they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must
realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work
is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or
make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They
usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.

But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must
build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is
to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to
use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that
love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant ..

Thank you for being a part of my life, Whether you were a reason, a
season or a lifetime.

People come into our lives for a reason...

2006-10-15T09:49:00.000-04:00

Sharoreh - (for a reason) came into my life to teach me that I am attractive. And that it is indeed more important to be a nice person than to be physically beautiful...God knows she had fans everywhere! [:)]....I miss her....but her purpose had been fulfilled.

Shilpi - (for a season) came into my life to teach me to live! I have learnt enough I believe to warrant the end of that relationship. But this one was different; cos in a way it taught me my limits...[:)]....I miss her very very very much [:(]...

What is funny is that people seem to come into my life in bunches determined by the starting letter of their names! [:p]

Sam - will be there (for a lifetime)...is there to complete me and boy, am I glad! He's everything I needed and will always be (or so I believe!)...[:D]

Humiliation...

2006-10-12T10:58:00.000-04:00

It's funny how easily we forget what being humiliated feels like... And then it happens again, and you believe you'll never forget again...

But it's like a cycle and continues to happen over and over again...

I almost felt like crying, but I think I handled it well. I was upset for a while, but within a half hour, the feeling had dulled and I was me again...full of optimism...the fact that I got some good news just before it happened had a lot to do with it though....:p...

Uncertainty

2006-10-12T00:42:00.000-04:00

I honestly do think that all our lives have been planned in advance....well, maybe more like roughly mapped out...
Throughout my life I've had things happen to me that were not se nice at the time they happened, but then it turns that was indeed the best way...
I feel terrible about it right now and yet terribly enthusiastic about what is to come at the very same time...If this is the intended path, then who am I to fight or even question it?

Time for Change...

2006-10-11T08:32:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I'm alone and have had time to think, I feel bad...I feel sad...and then, I feel guilty...
I was actually trying this time...and then, when the going got tough, I bailed...

I am going to start anew. It's true what they say...It's never too late to change...:)... I will give my all. More than I've ever tried to give...

I've just been too scared - that's all...But I shouldn't be, because it's all in my head.

If you want to do something and believe you can, you most definitely can...
So, whatever you do, don't give up....the past may keep coming up and dampening your spirits, but it's all in YOUR attitude. Only YOU can choose to ignore the past, and move on...

The Big Picture...

2006-10-09T08:22:00.000-04:00

And suddenly, it all fell into place....and the way the pieces fit each other was beautiful...they weren't all a perfect fit, they just sort of fell together...loosely ....and yet they belonged...

Life is like that...all the little pieces...they fall together eventually, and they may not all fit like a big puzzle, because we choose the pieces we pick...and sometimes, we don't pick the right ones......

But it doesn't matter, because none of it makes any sense until it's put together anyway...and this is where it gets more confusing...sometimes, even when the pieces are together, they don't make any sense...This is where I would like to impress on you the importance of looking at the big picture....no matter what picture you are looking at, there is always "the bigger picture"... :)

Exams...

2006-10-09T08:19:00.000-04:00

Yep! It's that time of the semester again....came much too soon if you ask me....what with everything else that is going on...
I hope it works out okay...actually I know it will, so....why am I worried??? :D...
I'll be fine, I know....:)...

The first...

2006-10-06T08:38:00.000-04:00

First day at new job....always like this. Relaxed - you feel tense cos you need to make a good impression...
Everyone's great though....very nice, extremely helpful...I hope it's always like this :p....It'll help, cos I'm not a morning person! :D....

Wait out the unexpected...

2006-10-05T11:11:00.001-04:00

and I waited...eveyone else got tons of them, but I hadn't gotten any yet. Finally when I cudn't fake braveness anymore, I gave in and cried my heart out...
Around the same time, the next day, I got one! Within the hour, I got another! I was ecstatic at first, and then I became greedy. I wanted more...I waited and none came....
I am still waiting...

The better half...

2006-09-24T15:21:00.000-04:00

Ideally your better half is someone who completes you (literally!). He/she should like the part of you that you yourself cannot stand. They should admire the qualities that you are not even aware exist. They should complete the process of loving yourself for who you are. This was actually quite well thought-out. The intention was to ensure that each and every one of us is loved unconditionally. Hence, we are destined to pair up with the person that helps us complete the "Circle of love"...Hence the term "soulmate" (he/ she completes your soul).
Now, your twin soul would then be someone who is just like you - in that they love the things about you that you also like. This makes sure we all have and maintain our self-esteem and are confident of our capabilities...:)

2006-09-24T03:27:00.000-04:00

You can wonder all you want, but there are some things life never answers and never will answer. All you can do is imagine a reasonable answer and wish that it's true and claim it for the rest of your life...If not anything, it'll atleast make you unique! :D

The thrill

2006-09-24T03:17:00.000-04:00

It is so worth it! Waiting ur turn....and when it finally comes, having your stomach in your throat (atleast thats what it feels like....) your heart racing as you look around at everyone present there...

The music begins in the backgroud....softly at first and then a lil louder as I get ready to sing...As soon as I open my mouth, I forget everything around me and the music is all I can hear...I get pulled into the rhythm and forget myself as I sing and before I know it, I'm done! I don't even remember if I pronounced the words (I'd been practicing for a whole day now) correctly! I forgot to pay attention.

I got my fair share of applause and a few genuine compliments (that's what they seemed like...)....

I owe it to the song...If you don't believe me, check it out... "Ariyaathey" from Ravana Prabhu.... (it's a malayalam song)

Confessions...

2006-09-19T23:13:00.000-04:00

Sadly enough, I'm...
1. selfish
2. proud
3. pessimistic
4. self-loathing
5. a compulsive liar
and that's just the beginning!

Phew! I feel lighter....and a little sadder at the same time....is that normal? :D

2006-09-17T19:03:00.000-04:00

I was a dumb, sort of ignorant kid...and then I grew up, always wondering why I was sad....well, just like everybody else, I had problems...and my problems overwhelmed me most of the time. And then I grew up (I wud like to believe), and just when I decided that things were going to get better, we moved....again!
It took a while for me to get used to this place...and just when I thought I might get used to this, it started...everything happened so fast, I wish I had been paying more attention...just so I could atleast tell when it really started...
I hated it. It was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me! I gave in to it and let it take over me...Wrong move!....For a while I felt hopeless, sad and terribly depressed even...
But I guess I can still have the lifestyle I want....all I need to do is work a little harder and push myself a little more....and maybe like they say, I'll become "normal"....with an occasional "bad day"....or maybe not...

The Divine...

2006-09-16T19:34:00.000-04:00

Being divine is almost impossible. But atleast once in our lives, we have all been there.

Is this the answer to some of my prayers???

2006-09-16T19:28:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you've been wishing for something so bad, you're not scared to hold back in your prayers? I believe that when you want something very badly, all you have to do is ask the Universe - the catch is, there shouldn't be the slightest bit of doubt about whether you want it.
And so, I followed the rules and I've been asking and have been delaying my moves accordingly - waiting, hoping the Universe will finally get around to my prayers! :D...And it did!
Unfortunately, I've been so busy wishing it, that I don't know what to do next. I had no idea it was going to materialize so perfectly...Now I wish that I had planned ahead, but the rules only allow you to consider the future...So, here I am again, delaying it as much as possible, yet still wanting it...
I finally let go and played along with the plans...I've started asking the Universe for more...I know it will come true. And this time, I'm going to be ready :)

my life!!!

Sam weds Darshana

Year 2008...

Winter 2008

Family...

I am

Wake-up calls...

Science

Today

Perspective

Lucky

Humour...

Nobody is perfect

Selfish

Weekend!

My new slave

Understanding

A******s!

Downtown

No One

Patience

Indeed it is...

Why?

Being Healthy...

Concepts...

My ego

Spicy

People...

Who knows...

A new day...

Assumptions...

Am I back?

The little heartbeat

Optimism

Unwritten (Nastasha Bedingfield)

Am I weird?

8:15am

The helpdesk...

6:05am

Nonsense...

A long break...

Color Test Results

2 days to go...

Put Your Records On-Corinne Bailey Rae lyrics

The Daily Horoscope

Self-Sabotage

The world today

Not Knowing

Waiting...

When will all of this change?

Thought for the day...

Gibberish!

sigh...

More questions...

Love

Do wishes really come true?

Ego or Id?

Why?

The future...

these things happen...

Life...

People come into our lives for a reason...

Humiliation...

Uncertainty

Time for Change...

The Big Picture...

Exams...

The first...

Wait out the unexpected...

The better half...

The thrill

Confessions...

The Divine...

Is this the answer to some of my prayers???