life never works out the way you want it to does it? nope! it sure doesn't!
why do u think? u know what? i think it's cos of some kinda negative energy that is released when we r too positive....we should always be unprepared for what's about to happen....i mean u can expect it but not rely too much on ur expectation....get what i mean? well atleast that's what i learnt...
next week when i meet magda, (she's my tutor....helps me speak american!), i've gotto give her a kinda presentation....and the whole of yesterday i kept thinking about what i was going to talk to her about!
and u know what? i know i'm not a very interesting person and it might get even more boring (than it shud be!) when i tell u about myself...but i learnt that i am a very complicated person...everyone is but it's just that they have better things to do than ponder over themselves!lol
well i wish had more of a life here...i really need to go out more...i'm getting very depressed and worse i feel even more lethargic than ever! believe me, not having ur friends close to u can be really depressing....it puts u down soooo much and u actually realise what it is like to be all alone in the world and though that might suit some people just fine...it doesn't suit me one bit! i wish it did though....i wish i was more like my brother.....all to myself ...."a thorough recluse!"

i hope that next year i will be able to see the "thanksgiving parade" and also maybe have some friends to go with!
sayo nara.....

bye guys! wish u happy thanksgiving and a great weekend!

not really!.......

damn him!
i thought he wasn't about to even come today and my god!
i thought i'd die of a heart attack on the spot!!!
he came and sat at the computer next to me and then hangs around for a while before leaving and all the time i was wondering if i wud survive it!!!
well anyways i did and i'm glad i did....why is he looking at me that way? i think i preferred it when he ignored me!

hi guys....that was a "yahoo conversation" with my closest friend...i think i shudn't reveal who it is.....u know all that about protecting anonymity etc....
well anyways, i saw him today too...well he actuallly looked at me so i smiled and he smiled back too....atleast we're acting civil to each other....
when will either of us be mature enuf to actually speak to each other....i wonder....it's like we both know each other.....we behave that way.....

darshana_d30: u don't realise that u have so much time to find that one guy who was made for u and that all the other guys in the way r just an introduction to the guy ur looking for....
crazyautumn7: i know ....yes love
darshana_d30: u see when u have crushes it's because u like something about them...
darshana_d30: at the end of it all u;ll be prepared to settle down when u find the right guy....
crazyautumn7: i agree coz u like something 'bout them
darshana_d30: and that guy will have a lil bit of every guy u liked....and that will make him special to u in more ways than u can ever imagine....
crazyautumn7: he doesn't exist anymore for me...dead and buried...
darshana_d30: not true
darshana_d30: he's still a crush...
crazyautumn7: he just a living creature
darshana_d30: but he's not the one for life...remember....
crazyautumn7: he?s not any more?..: yaa that?s something i know from the beginning...he;s not the one for me
darshana_d30: he's just a part of ur life
darshana_d30: perhaps a very important one...
darshana_d30: cos every guy u like teaches u something about urself

darshana_d30: u slowly will discover urself and realise what u want ....
darshana_d30: do u get it now?
crazyautumn7: hmm....hope so
darshana_d30: hope so?
crazyautumn7: hey was that how it was for u???
darshana_d30: i thought what i said was clear enuf!

darshana_d30: nope
darshana_d30: but that's what i've come to realise...
crazyautumn7: yes love i agree with u fully
crazyautumn7: okay.....
darshana_d30: i'd like my guy to have a lil bit of everything that i liked previously....
crazyautumn7: okay.......
darshana_d30: i'd like him to be intelligent....(harshraj)
crazyautumn7: and
darshana_d30: romantic...(ivor)
crazyautumn7: and.......
darshana_d30: and sensitive and understanding....(mario)
crazyautumn7: wow!! thats great!!!

darshana_d30: as of now that's how the list goes....
darshana_d30: it'll get bigger and bigger with every guy.....
crazyautumn7: hmm..
darshana_d30: and at the end of it i'm sure i'll find someone who's as close to perfect as anyone can get
crazyautumn7: wow...i hope so tooo..u will find him?.. i just know it
darshana_d30: see, in that way i'm learning about myself...
darshana_d30: learning what qualities i like....
darshana_d30: it's the same with everyone....
darshana_d30: r u clear now?
crazyautumn7: yaa...much more than before
darshana_d30: good
darshana_d30: so even though it's normal to feel miserable during a crush....
darshana_d30: it all comes to some good ultimately u see?
crazyautumn7: hmm...
darshana_d30: it's perfectly normal to feel depressed when the guy doesn't like u...it's all just a part of life.......
crazyautumn7: very welll...then let it be that way...if thats how it's gotta be
crazyautumn7: yaa true
darshana_d30: but as long as u remember that u'll be fine even if u r depressed....
darshana_d30: exactly
crazyautumn7: hmm...
darshana_d30: u can act rude .....or do whatever u want....
darshana_d30: but u can't help that u like him right?
darshana_d30: so just like him and maybe it'll work out for the both of u
crazyautumn7: hmmm yaa
darshana_d30: and ur list will begin....
crazyautumn7: nope,,,
darshana_d30: every relationship will definitely be special........
crazyautumn7: hahah i guess so....
crazyautumn7: in it's own way
darshana_d30: but as they say..u must learn from ur mistakes....u must also learn from ur relationships....
darshana_d30: why do u like me?
crazyautumn7: don't know.....it's something i can't explain....
darshana_d30: no there is something specific....u'll know later i guess.....
crazyautumn7: but if theres anyone i truly like then thats u....(other than family...not relative)
darshana_d30: well when u do, u wud not like ur man to be like that...
darshana_d30: or maybe u wud....that totally depends on u......
darshana_d30: thank u
crazyautumn7: hey tell me tell me....y do u think i like u
crazyautumn7: tell me...i wanna know
darshana_d30: what i'm trying to point out here is that we r friends and that is a relationship.....when u find out what caused our relationship, u'll realise that ur list has probably already started....
darshana_d30: maybe it's cos ur comfortable with me....
darshana_d30: wudn't u like that with ur man?
crazyautumn7: yup....
crazyautumn7: thats true
darshana_d30: see....there goes....
crazyautumn7: hey darshana....it's not just comfort u know.....it's something else....maybe when i figure it out i'll tell u
darshana_d30: but again, i'm irritable and get bugged with u easily....and i have some habits that u may not like or even hate
crazyautumn7: hate?? i am not sure of that... there?s nothing about u that i hate
crazyautumn7: u r so special .....
darshana_d30: yeah well u don't have to tell me....just make sure u get to know what u want...that's all
crazyautumn7: hmm i will
darshana_d30: will u stop getting all mushy....i'm trying to teach u an important lesson in life here...
darshana_d30: i hope ur learning something.........?
crazyautumn7: i am love i am.....
crazyautumn7: hmmm.......i am mushy most of the time.......especially these days when ur not near
darshana_d30: will u stop that!
darshana_d30: ur making me feel like crying!
crazyautumn7: okay !!!
darshana_d30: well anyways everything in life has a theory that way.......
crazyautumn7: yaaa i agree
crazyautumn7: ohh love i'm so stupid...most of the time...am i not/???
darshana_d30: people learn more things practically than they do when they r at school....
crazyautumn7: sure..we always agreed to that
darshana_d30: u may not be able to apply whatever ur learning now....maybe u don't get great marks and all that but it doesn't matter cos u have an entire lifetime ahead of u and ur not stupid....nobody is...unless they choose to be of course
crazyautumn7: hmm?
darshana_d30: and how r u to know what's important and what's not at school where ur only goal wud probably be to pass the exam and get out of college?
crazyautumn7: yeah......
darshana_d30: whereas, when ur working within a few months u'll know by heart what u shud know....
darshana_d30: and that?s what matters ultimately....
darshana_d30: most importantly what matters is the person u've become and not what u've studied.....
crazyautumn7: yup.....i agree with that whole heartedly
darshana_d30: u must always strive to be liked by others and nothing is more important than that
darshana_d30: i know i'm sounding idiotic now....but though i haven't really lived my life yet, u know i feel pretty sure about this whole theory of mine....
darshana_d30: i bet that?s what they call "nirvana" ?self satisfaction??ur happy with urself when the world is happy with u?
crazyautumn7: hmm.........but if they don't like me for what i am...it doesn't matter
darshana_d30: well they will learn to love u for who u r ultimately....
crazyautumn7: nirvana????
darshana_d30: u don't have to honest for that
darshana_d30: the truth doesn't always matter
crazyautumn7: yaaa
darshana_d30: in fact sometimes lies r better
darshana_d30: not exactly lies....but what they call" the twisted truth"
crazyautumn7: u think so......yaa maybe sometimes....but i prefer truth..most of the times atleast helps u in long run
darshana_d30: the truth doesn't have to be told just as it is if u know it'll hurt someone....it can be softened....
crazyautumn7: yaa thats there......
darshana_d30: that's what i mean....
darshana_d30: and as long as u know that ur not wrong u shudn't care about what anyone says...............follow what u think is right....cos inside everyone there's this person that wants something....and there?s also a bad side to them....
crazyautumn7: hmm........
darshana_d30: but when u listen to ur inside self with a consciously moral mind....everything will be fine....
crazyautumn7: yup........
crazyautumn7: definitely.....
darshana_d30: i must be boring u now....
darshana_d30: well u know i'm not all this deep everytime right?
crazyautumn7: hey u can never bore me...
darshana_d30: well anyways, u have suffered enuf.......go in peace....
darshana_d30: can u believe that this is what my bus. law prof. wrote at the end of his paper???go in peace. U have suffered enough!?

hi..i came to college today but didn't actually do anything worthwhile...i didn't attend the seminar and i don't think i'll register myself today either cos i didn't bring my rough schedule with me!
what a dumb nut i am!

hey i was just scrolling through my blog and realised that i didn't describe him to u guys on halloween....
wow...that day he looked so damn cute! he was wearing this formal white shirt and blue jeans as usual and hadn't shaved...well i noticed that cos he kept meddling with his stubble!lol
damn him....i hate men with facial hair...then why should he be an exception???

hi guys...i'm kinda sorry cos i know this news is gonna bug u!!!
well i think he's interested too....but now maybe i'm not....actually i am but i don't want to be....u know what?
just forget i ever said anything cos i don't understand what i'm saying either so....!
well well, so how're things otherwise?
well everything's ok....i still haven't submitted my eco. assignments and didn't attend today's class.....i feel sick about it but i will try my best to finish the work tonigth and submit it tomorrow alongwith my apologies to the prof....
about this guy, i don't get it, it seems like he's interested but then again, maybe i'm just misinterpreting signals! i think he's much older than i am anyways so nothing's gonna work out, of that i'm pretty sure....
love u guys...

wonders of wonders......i don't know why but the "crush" has come to college today ......this is the first time i'm seeing him here on a monday!
well anyway i realised he looks pretty funny without a cap! u know what? i think he shudn't wear that stupid cap so often...he looks good in it ofcourse....that's not the problem, but once he takes it off....his hair is set in that stupid way....well he still does look cute though....

wonders of wonders......i don't know why but the "crush" has come to college today ......this is the first time i'm seeing him here on a monday!
well anyway i realised he looks pretty funny without a cap! u know what? i think he shudn't wear that stupid cap so often...he looks good in it ofcourse....that's not the problem, but once he takes it off....his hair is set in that stupid way....well he still does look cute though....

i was trying to learn for a business law test, which by the way is tomorrow and after i finished eating, i got up to go and thought of going to class but realised there was over 45 minutes before the class began....well anyways, i was walking and on the steps beside a classroom which i passed i saw two cute guys, dressed in their culinary uniform looking like "the world's most eligible cooks!".....well....they were eating and i looked down into my book adn was walking by,minding my own business (business law rather!), in full speed when suddenly one of them said "hi!"...
i was taken completely by surprise but i managed to look at them with a normal expresson on my face and i said "hi"...then he said "howarya?" and i looked to see who was talking among them....one was looking at me very intently (i'm guessing he was trying to figure out why a boy sounded so much like a girl! lol) and the other one was taking a big bite of whatever that was they were eating....
i said "i'm fine....how r u?"
and he said good.....i'm not too sure but i think it was the guy who was eating! and after that, for a while i kept thinking about them.....hjow sweet it was for that guy to have said hi for no reason at all, when i wasn't even looking at them...and how he managed to speak so clearly while eating....u should have seen the size of the bite he took! the rudest but funniest part of the whole thing was he kept looking at what he was eating all the while he was talking...and the other guy who wasn't saying anything kept looking at me!
u know what? come to think of it, i'm not even sure he was talking to me now and i feel rather silly about the whole thing! since they was no one else present there at the moment i guess we can safely assume he was either talking to his food or the other guy who was in turn looking at with a bewildered expression cos i was answering for him.....
but then again u know he had no business saying "hi!" so loudly when someone else was walking by....

i don't get it! sometimes i wonder how i can expect anyone to understand me when i can't understand myself!!! i mean, how could i be so stupid as not to realise that he already has a girl??? even if he doesn't, i'm positive he must be married!
he doesn't have a right to exist! he might not be as cute as i thought him to be the first few times i saw him but he is definitely cute! and as far as i know, he doesn't smoke...atleast it proves he's not a chain-smoker! i think i would do very well as a detective! what with all the stalking and deducting i do!!!

hi again guys....
i think i'm completely over him....
but i'm kinda obsessed with stalking him....cos inspite of having successfully avoided him.....he was avoiding me too.....i still keep looking for him!
when i saw him this morning i was just surprised at seeing him so early in the day....never seen him before 9.30 before.....even after that...i kept looking in the direction of the visi-pitch room kinda looking for him(obviously)! half of me kept wishing he would never come out while the other half was waiting for him to come out so i could see him again.....well i did see him anyway....
he got out while i was typing this...and seems to be looking around for his next student!!!

hi guys!
today's the big day! cos i think i've finally worn off my crush!!! i am so glad.....i don't feel miserable anymore....i mean i do....but not cos of him!
he seems to be a pretty nice guy actually...maybe i'll get to know him sometime? well atleast i won't feel all that awkward cos i don't have a crush on him anymore....
maybe it's too early to decide....so in a week i'll confirm what i've just blogged ok?
let's all hope i stop "stalking" him!!!lol

i hate this guy!!!
why does he do this to me?
well right now, i'm more than sure that he is definitely not interested in me.....then why am i wasting time still stalking him...maybe i shud just go home and eat a thousand candy bars!!! yeah......perhaps that wud make me feel better! well i guess there's no harm in atleast trying?
maybe if i try hard enough i should be able to get him out of MY space and make sure that no one ever gets there again....cos though it may seem very silly it does kinda hurt!
so.....shud i go home now?
no.......maybe i shud wait for a lil while and most probably (i hate myself for this!) i'll leave only after i see him go safely!!!
uhhhhhhhh.......this is so stressful, not to mention irritating....and the worst part of the whole thing is that I am bringing it upon MYSELF!!!

i am so very depressed......i never realised that i wudn't have any friends at some point in my life...i didn't realise that having friends, irrespective of whether they liked me or no, cud mean so much!!!
i wish i knew somebody here who i cud talk with....i do amile at a lot of people and do say hi....i hardly know anyone though....i want to be able to share my thoughts with atleast one person!
i can;t believe that i, who cud always make friends wherever i was, am having this kind of a problem, but mom says it's only natural and it'll take time....i wish people found me cute like how they found my brother cute...i wish people realised that i existed...and liked me for who i am.....

i was just about to assume that he had, perhaps, stopped working here, when i walked into the IIC and saw him sitting right there at his "fave" table talking to someone...in a reddish shirt and black cap!
oooooh.....he looks sooo good!
conclusion: i hate him!

happy diwali!
he won't be coming today cos he doesn't come on mondays.....so nothing on him today!
sorry....
i wish i cud stop stalking him!!!