i had this most interesting discussion with my cousin the other day. u won't believe what she asked me! she said "is it possible to hate the people u love?" (now, for those of you who read my blog pretty regularly, considering i don't update too regularly :), u wud know why i found that weird. the rest of you just go back down and read a few of my previous very "deep" blogs!)

of course it's possible to hate the people u love! in fact, u can only really "hate" people that u love, cos they are the only ones that can hurt you badly enuf for u to hate them right? well maybe its a lil confusing, but i'm sure everyone's been through that atleast once in their whole lifetime. don't u?

today is one of those days, when i'm just sitting back (as usual!) and letting life pass me by. where i seem to be doing everything at a ridiculously slow pace considering life seems to be racing!

sometimes, i wonder. is this what "life" is all about? getting up every morning (well right now, i can choose my time, which is usally around the time mom leaves for work: 8 am that is.), brushing my teeth, drinking tea and checking my mail simultaeneously, after which i get ready and then sit back and relax while waiting for my students to start appearing! i guess it's more than some other people do...atleats i'm doing something! but is "something" enough?
(obviously not, that explains my sitting and whining here on MY blog!)

will i ever grow up? i feel as helpless as i was, when i was much younger! been there, done that! thats' what it is. then how come i'm not used to it as i shud be?

u know, sometimes i wish i weren't human! i know that sounds weird, but i have a feeling that some animals are actually satisfied with their lives while i know for a fact that most humans (atleast the ones i've interacted with,) aren't!

you know it's very weird that i don't blog everyday. considering i'm one of those people who are thought of as "thinkers". tis true that i only think of the most unnecessary things, but then isn't that what a blog is for? isn't "unnecessary thinking" food for a blog?
then why is it that i don't blog everyday? knowing me i should be blogging atleast a thousand times a day! :)
then again, maybe it just leans back towards the most important but apparently forgotten fact.
I HATE "WRITING"!!!

hi people, well i just happened to be forced into hiding again for a few days! lol
mom got operated for cataract and it went off really well...in fact even her surgeon is very pleased with her progress. he has stated that she can start normal activities from tomorrow onwards! and that's exactly two days after her surgery...cool isn't it?
she still has a lil pain, i guess it'll take a week to heal completely and i'm confident that the next time she visits her surgeon, he'll tell her exactly that!
nothing else has been happening...except that people seem to think i have kids! lol....back to the past or what? lol

www.sweatysocks.blogspot.com
my brother's blog. today's blog was about me! grrr...
my cousin saw that and politely inquired if he were dead yet. but then how can that be? i love my mom and she has this maternal thing for him u see... (luckily for him) and so, he still lives....X-(

why is it that when we are small, we just can't wait to grow "big" and do things our way?
and why is it that once we are actually "big", we want to be children again???

how come things never work out the way u want them to? or maybe they do and we're just too difficult to please?

yesterday a friend of mine said, " the heart is such a funny thing. it gives us unhappiness. but that's why we have the mind - to question/ figure out the unhappiness." she went on to add that she probably mmade no sense. but to me, she made more sense that she realizes... :)

you know i was just wondering why i blog? i mean, i hardly ever have anything sensible to blog about as, i daresay, u may have i noticed...then what is it that keeps me coming back to blog??? it's all about me isn't it? is everbody like this or is it just me?
i mean, i just realised (this is not entirely true....i've had inklings of the sort before) how self-centered i am. and i don't like self centered people. does that make me a hypocrite? i guess it does.
but then again, i've always said, i didn't like myself very much? maybe it's because i'm self-centered? and i don't like self-centered people- as i mentioned earlier... does that make me a good person?
i wonder...

life is so confusing after the age of 13...i sincerely believe that this happens owing to the fact that we discover emotions that we never knew cud exist. i mean, think about it, until then the only emotions u actually understood were- love, anger, happiness. pretty simple huh? not too complicated. wish things wud stay like that forever?
ah, but that's what life is about, isn't it?
it's only during and after teenage that u can "hate" someone while "loving" them at the evry same time! amazing ain't it? pride slowly takes over and it becomes a top priority...then we believe that we have atlast matured. i don't think thats' really true. when is it that we actually "mature" then? i mean, when do we realise what we are supposed/destined to do? and when are we acually capable of controllling our own selves?

is it fair that a seemingly trivial thing like "emotions" can completely control the adult human being? i think not. on the other hand, i think it's extremely silly that we allow emotions to rule our life! can we help that? that is yet to be discovered...............
i for one, hope we can :)

today is a totally different matter. my brother didn't wake me up as promised and i missed another 1pm/3am appointment with sahitya....i hope she forgives me...that twice in a row...
i guess i pick the wrong days. i was pretty tired -- what with babysitting and all that! i know it's nothing compared to what others do, but it's still pretty exhausting.
i hope i can get to college atleast today! i'm going to call them atleast...

i must be the luckiest person in the world. why else wud that happen?
can YOU imagine waking up to a phone call that states that you are the winner of a grand prize of $50,000. well it's a totally different matter that they didn't realise that i didn't have a credit card, etc...but the fact remains, that out of a lot of people, i was chosen to receive that call...
it was pretty rude being woken up like that! but it was a nice feeling that you got picked among sooo many others...i knew there just had to be something special about me :)

i wonder sometimes, when silly things like this happen, if it's a sign... that things are probably gonna get better... or maybe something like "don't be sad, exciting thigns can happen to u too!" lol

sorry about the day gap...there was nothing to write...infact whatever i would have written would have been too depressing to read!
bad start to the day again today too -- i missed my appointment with sahitya :(

i lay awake in bed trying to peer put thru the gap in the blinds...saw something move...it was unusually early in the morning for me not to be asleep.
i got up anyway and went to the window -- i saw that it was raining heavily, it probably had been all night...i like rain. it washes the whole world and after it's done. the wolrd looks new and fresh! but somewhere within, i had this impending sense of gloom that i knew i had to deal with sooner or later.....sooner than later actually...
so i decided to go online and blog...:)

everyone's leaving. i feel so totally alone again...but i know everything happens for a reason...
for the life of me i can't imagine what reason! :)...in the end, it's all good, right?
thanx, i feel so much better now :)

nothing to blog about today but i thought i'd try and make a habit of it u see....lol

it's a beautiful day outside...just my kinda day. not sunny, not gloomy...just right. it is kinda cloudy and cold, but i love the cold. it's just that i can't stand too much heat!
have a great day!

she called today...i was sooo happy....but it got disconnected midway and so i called back. cudn't speak too long as she had to leav to the alliance for french classes. did u know she's started level 300? i'm so proud of her. she can do whatever she wants granted she really wants to...i hope she can come here next summer in case i can't go there! :(

i am determined to finish what i've started asap and then go back to my previous life -- back to when i had one!
you know i'm not actually as complicated as u might expect me to be...no really. it's just that no one's willing to make even the slightest effort to try and know me. that's all. it's kinda depressing for me, but i guess that shudn't bother anyone else right? wrong!
as long as i have my blog i know i can express whatever i feel without the slightest anticipation of what u might think of me! i think i'm done being a people's person. but i still cannot get myself to be what i really am. cos if i start acting mean and rude and being extremely open about my innermost feelings, then that's not me. what i really am is a people's person. i cannot act rude to anyone, be spiteful, hurt anyone on purpose...try as i might...and that seems a lil pretentious to me now...cos no one can be that nice right? exactly what i'm thinking!
come to think of it, do i even exist? is this a real world? i would like to get up one day and find that all this is not true....but i'm guessing i'd be really scared then....what is true???

sorry for the rather long disappearance...but u know me --unpredictable as always...

now that i'm back though i guess it'll take me quite a while to get over myself and leave u again! ur welcome to get bored/ irritated (whichever comes first) with my blog for the next few months as i don't think it'll take less than that much time for me to stop again.